I’ve been studying about women’s ordination. Here are the top seven, absolute most-persuasive arguments I’ve ever seen against ordination of women pastors:

1. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would violate the “biblical principle of male headship.” I haven’t really found a verse to support that theory, but it sure sounds good anyway. (After all, we gotta keep those women-folk in subjection, barefoot and pregnant, or they might try to take over the world. Imagine the horror of woman clergy staging a coup d’é·tat, armed with Bibles and communion bread!)

2. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be unseemly because men are taller and stronger than women. This proves that women cannot be spiritual mentors or leaders. (Yes, size does matter.)

3. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be rash and hasty. (Forty years of committees, commissions, and research is just not enough–at least not enough to find support for my views.) Innovation is scary. (That’s why I also refuse to ride in those newfangled contraptions called cars and airplanes.)

4. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be futile because women simply can’t be effective ministers and evangelists. (Don’t confuse me with the example of the Chinese woman who pastors the largest Adventist church in the world, and grew that congregation from 10 to 7,000.)

5. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be dangerous because all women have wild mood swings and PMS; they might cry in the pulpit or scream at parishioners. They might even bark at the moon. (That is why there are no female teachers, nurses, scientists, police officers, attorneys, judges, Supreme Court justices, corporate presidents and CEOs, or elected officials.)

6. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be foolish because it will lead to acceptance of deviant sexual practices such as pedophilia, bestiality, and prostitution. (It will also lead to communism, fascism, and terrorism.)

7. Recognition of God’s ordination of women would be contrary to scripture because Paul said women must keep silent and wear head coverings. From now on, all females entering a church will be fitted with “head coverings” in the form of gags and duct tape over their mouth. (It will also prevent them from singing praises to God, but they can still make a joyful noise!)

Now that we’ve “proven” that women should not be ordained, check out this list of reasons why men should not be ordained, either. (So who in the world can be ordained, anyway? Perhaps robots?)